


Ready to Suffer, Ready to Hope

by InsaneJuliann



Series: The Evolution of Buddie [4]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 3.18 spoilers, Eddie Diaz is out here feeling things and not sure what to do with it all, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Except apparently panic a little, It takes place between the train rescue and the end of the episode, M/M, Pre-Relationship, eddie diaz needs a hug, mentions of Abby Clark - Freeform, mentions of Hen and Chim
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:48:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24141586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsaneJuliann/pseuds/InsaneJuliann
Summary: Buck's the one hurting this time, and Eddie wants to help, but he's not sure how, or if he even can.Maybe, he was wrong before. Maybe everyone was. Because clearly, Buck's not as over Abby as everyone seemed to think.Eddie should have known better than to get his hopes up.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: The Evolution of Buddie [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1730287
Comments: 83
Kudos: 624





	Ready to Suffer, Ready to Hope

**Author's Note:**

> How we doing out there fam?
> 
> Why yes I did watch the episode one and a half times (I missed the first 20 minutes the second time). And yes I did start writing this as soon as I finished the first time. I've read it over, but it's almost midnight so I may have missed some things. I'll catch them later.
> 
> I teased tarialdarion a lot, but this time the fault's all mine, lol. I take full blame for this.
> 
> I've been listening to Florence + the Machine a lot the past few days. Shake It Off was definitely a song I was thinking about while thinking of this update over the weekend, and tonight while writing it. It's also where the title comes from.

Eddie made his way over to where Buck was sitting, leaning back against the truck and knees raised up almost defensively. They’d gotten back to the station early in the morning. Everyone had showered, and silently ate some food or gone straight to their bunks.

Buck had sat at the table, picking at a plate of food Bobby firmly put in front of him. Eddie was pretty sure Buck hadn’t actually eaten anything though.

He hadn’t seen Buck in the bunks, either, and so he’d come looking for him. Because Eddie had been right there, he had seen. Buck was hurting, and Eddie was –

Eddie was a lot of things at the moment. He was angry. With Buck, with that Abby chick, with himself for even being this upset about it. He had been scared, so _fucking_ scared. He was feeling something an awful lot like hate for a woman he’d exchanged a handful of words to.

He was feeling something spiky and hot and he didn’t think he was ready to admit to himself just what it was.

But at the moment, mostly? Eddie was worried.

(Worried about Buck, mainly.)

Eddie lowered himself to the ground next to Buck, ignoring the ache of overworked and bruised muscles. It was honestly luck that they hadn’t gotten hurt worse in that goddamn train car. Pure, blessed, damned luck. It was hard not to think, now, about all the ways it could have gone horribly wrong.

(There’d been a moment or two where Eddie had been sure the car was going to tip, with Buck outside….)

Buck didn’t react to Eddie sitting next to him. Eddie leaned his head back against the engine, staring high up at the ceiling. He wasn’t good at this. He was, frankly, awful at it. Sure, he could stay calm and reassuring on the job. But comforting wasn’t precisely his forte, and talking about things even less so. He could barely make himself talk to Frank, even now months later when he went in only occasionally, when he could admit to himself that it did help.

How was he supposed to even know where to start to help Buck?

He’d asked. He’d asked Buck if he was okay, and Buck hadn’t answered him. Or, well. That non-answer had _been_ an answer, one Eddie already had known.

Eddie didn’t know why he’d had some inane hope to hear something different. He had no reason to feel disappointment.

(Or, maybe, he sort of did. No right to feel it, then. They weren’t anything more than friends.)

“When I saw her there….”

Buck trailed off, and didn’t continue, even when Eddie tilted his head enough to glance at him. Buck’s jaw was set, stiff. His whole face was frozen and Eddie _hated_ it. Even when Buck had been angry with him, or across a table from him next to that fucking lawyer, or in the grocery store frustrated and upset – Buck’s face moved with his emotions. Anger, confusion, hurt, surprise, joy – it was always _right there_ to read.

Except not this time.

Eddie looked away again, closed his eyes, and breathed through the mix of fear and anger and worry spinning tight in his chest.

He didn’t know what to do with a Buck like this, and that in itself was kind of terrifying.

“Buck,” he finally said, soft and like he would when Chris had been upset and wondering why his mom wasn’t around, didn’t she remember him, did she not love him anymore, was it his fault she had left?

Buck’s jaw moved. He swallowed.

“Don’t,” he said, low and rough. Almost choked. “Don’t.”

Eddie closed his eyes, swallowed. “Okay,” he said. Fuck, why did he feel like he was losing something, like crying. If anyone should be, it was Buck.

His chest ached. Like when Shannon had first left and the anger had faded the first time, before it came back again seeing how much it was hurting Chris. He wanted to get up and go to the bunks and just try to sleep, to end this godawful shift already.

He didn’t want to leave Buck alone.

He just wasn’t _good_ at this. Fuck, he wished he could do for Buck what he always seemed to be doing for Eddie, but he was floundering, feeling too much and not sure what to do or say with all of it.

“You really gonna survive without Chris for two weeks?”

Eddie blinked his eyes open, dropping his head to look at Buck. Buck wasn’t looking at him, and his jaw was still stiff, his eyes too bright but not so far away looking anymore, at least.

“He really wants to go,” Eddie offered, almost a beat too late. “I think if I didn’t let him, he’d spend the entire summer giving me that bummed, sad-eyed face.”

Buck huffed. “He’s excited now, until he gets homesick.”

Eddie licked his lips, but didn’t say the other thought in his head – that Chris wouldn’t miss him that much. Eddie had been gone all the time before moving to LA, whether it was overseas with the Army or working three jobs to make ends meet in El Paso. Chris was used to not having Eddie around.

He didn’t say that. It was too – honest. Too much about him, when right then should be about Buck.

“What’ll you do while he’s gone?”

Eddie glanced over again. Buck was watching him now, and Eddie felt weirdly pinned. Buck’s eyes weren’t red, but they looked tired. Buck just looked exhausted, and Eddie wanted to bully him into a goddamn bunk, wrap him up and – and hold him until he stopped looking so goddamn _empty_.

“Don’t know,” he said. “Sleep in?”

Buck snorted what was almost a laugh, glancing away. Eddie wanted to bring his attention back on him, on now, on –

“Abuela’s been talking about wanting the back porch painted for months,” he said, thankfully getting Buck’s attention back. “Probably I’ll go do that. Other shit like that, keep busy. Try not to panic like an idiot.”

It made Buck smile, just a small one but it was there and Eddie did not want to have to question the relief he felt. That was normal. That was a normal, best friend reaction.

(The rest of what Eddie was feeling….)

“I’ll probably annoy the fuck out of you.”

And Buck’s smile, thank fuck, _grew_ at that. It was still small, almost faint, but his jaw wasn’t so tight and he looked – happier, maybe. Hopefully. If it wasn’t just Eddie seeing what he wanted to see.

“Nah,” Buck said. His voice was still a bit hoarse, but not so rough. “Impossible.” He leaned over, nudging Eddie with his shoulder. Eddie nudged him back, instead of a number of _other_ ideas that came to mind – pull him in close, grab his hand, hold him like he could hide Buck from the whole world.

“This floor is killing me,” he groaned, stretching his back a bit. “C’mon.”

“Old man,” Buck teased, but he took Eddie’s hand and pulled himself up. Eddie was –

Fuck, fine. He didn’t want to let go.

He did, because Buck did, and none of this should be about Eddie at all. He shouldn’t be so selfishly thinking of what he wanted, because Buck was hurting and upset and clearly heartbroken by _Abby_ all fucking over again.

It stung.

It fucking _stung_ , that Buck had been so worried over her, so upset by the news she’d moved on even though they’d broken up so long ago. It stung that Buck was not okay because of her, because clearly Buck was _still in love with her_.

Had Buck been hoping she’d come back all along? Had Eddie – had everyone misread things? Eddie swallowed the horrible tightness in his throat.

Maybe it didn’t matter. Maybe he just – should have never questioned. Should have known he couldn’t compare to this infamous lost love of Buck’s, a good-looking woman who didn’t come with so much fucking baggage.

(She was too old for him, Eddie wanted to say. She’d left Buck, he deserved better, someone who knew how fucking _amazing_ Buck was. She’d left, and Eddie had been there, and she didn’t deserve to get a claim on Buck’s heart anymore, she _didn’t_.)

(He was, probably, being unfair. He knew that. He didn’t want to admit what it meant, though.)

Buck followed him to the bunks, stumbling into one and falling onto it nearly face first. Eddie watched as Buck toed off his boots, face turned to the wall.

Shutting Eddie out.

Eddie climbed into his own bunk.

He didn’t sleep well.

Buck was avoiding him.

It was the only conclusion Eddie could reach.

(Well. His mind was providing plenty of _other_ worst-case scenarios, from Buck disappearing entirely to Buck and Abby running away together. Eddie was pretty sure those thoughts were all bullshit nonsense, but….)

Chris was disappointed. Buck had been supposed to meet them in the afternoon to head to the park, and Eddie could only tell Chris that Buck had probably been so tired from saving people on the train that he was sleeping.

“Did Bucky get hurt?” Chris asked worriedly, and Eddie felt like an absolute jackass.

“No, but it was pretty scary sometimes, and he worked very hard. We should just let him sleep, so he feels better.”

Chris nodded, slightly dejected but understanding and Eddie lucked the hell out having a kid as fucking fantastic as Chris was. He didn’t think Chris had learned it from him, and he had no idea if Chris had learned it from Shannon (though Eddie didn’t feel like it, at least once he’d been home). Chris just – had always been like that, bright and kind and wonderful.

They went to Abuela’s for dinner. She fussed, especially once everything was cleared away and Chris was watching a movie in the living room.

“Edmundo, I can tell, you have your worried face on.” She set a cup of coffee in front of him and sat down, giving him a stern look. Eddie stared at the coffee, the steam drifting up because Abuela always served coffee hot enough to burn the roof of your mouth.

“Just tired,” Eddie tried. He didn’t think it would work, and it didn’t.

“Hm.” She stared. Eddie couldn’t meet her eyes. “How was the park today? I am surprised I did not hear all about Chris’ Buck.”

Eddie nearly winced. “Uh. Didn’t have Buck with us today.”

“No?” Abuela frowned. “I thought he was to join you two.”

“He – he was but. Um. Train wreck took a lot out of him.”

Her eyes narrowed. She leaned forward, and Eddie wanted to brush her off so badly, but she looked so worried. Buck mattered to her, too.

“He – it got personal for him,” he hedged. “And I think it shook him up, sort of. I don’t know. He – didn’t answer any of my texts, so I don’t know.”

Her hand settled on his, rubbing soothingly. “Edmundo.” She sounded kind and sympathetic. “Maybe he just needs some space, hm?”

Eddie didn’t know how to explain that that’s what worried him. Not without sharing things he felt were private, that Buck wouldn’t want others knowing, not even Abuela.

He didn’t know how to explain that giving Buck space last time he’d been upset had seemed to only lead to disaster. He didn’t know how to explain that Buck had apparently still been hung up on this old flame of his, had been emotionally devastated, and Eddie worried that he was hurting more than he would ever admit.

Eddie couldn’t tell her that he was worried that he’d been misreading things he had let himself believe maybe everyone else were right about. That maybe Buck had only been interested until he saw Abby again; that….

“Yeah,” he said, looking down. “Yeah, maybe.”

Buck was quieter at his next shift. Eddie tried to talk to him, to pull him out of the quiet shell he’d retreated into, but – it wasn’t working. And now Eddie was getting pitying looks from Hen and Chimney.

He gave up halfway through the shift.

Eddie didn’t try to channel his anger through fighting anymore. But that didn’t mean that he didn’t use the gloves and bag to work out energy and stress. It felt like doing something, even though he was doing shit-all except hitting something until his muscles throbbed and sweat made his hair and shirt cling to his skin.

It was just – Eddie didn’t know what to do. He’d tried being there, and he’d tried giving space, and he’d tried to talk. He’d tried, even though it didn’t come naturally to him, but Buck didn’t want any of it. He didn’t want Eddie around, helping him.

Why would he? He knew Eddie was shit at talking about emotions, and he’d had to piece Eddie back together enough times lately to see that he was a fucking mess. Eddie wouldn’t want his own help, either. He wasn’t any good at it, and Buck knew that.

Besides, with the way Buck was pensively looking at what appeared to be a very short text conversation when Eddie had last tried talking to him upstairs, Eddie had a feeling Buck was only looking to talk with one person.

It wasn’t Eddie.

“Eddie.”

He caught the bag, glancing over to see Bobby watching him. Bobby stared for a moment. Eddie kind of hated how Bobby could do that, stare at you and just read whatever the hell you wanted to hide. He wasn’t surprised when Bobby tilted his head back, towards his office. After a moment, Eddie nodded.

“I expect you there in ten.”

So Eddie rinsed off quickly, pulling his uniform back on. He didn’t let himself look upstairs. Bobby glanced up as he stepped in, smiling though it didn’t reach his eyes.

“Shut the door, alright?”

Eddie did,taking a seat in the chair across from Bobby’s desk. He felt the urge to slump down, arms crossed. He sat straight instead.

“You’re not in trouble, Eddie.” Bobby sounded amused.

Eddie didn’t feel amused. He shrugged. “You didn’t bring it up the other day, but I was out of line, inside the train. Captain asking you into his office, door shut….”

“Eddie, that wasn't an issue, okay? I just wanted to give us privacy,” Bobby said, like it was reassuring. “You were going pretty hard at the bag out there.”

“I’m not going to do anything stupid.”

Bobby sighed. “I know you won’t – I trust you, Eddie.”

“Then what is this about?” Eddie asked, crossing his arms and looking behind Bobby’s ear. “If I’m not in trouble for insubordination, and you don’t think I’m gonna go back to street fighting, then what’s there to talk about?”

“You tell me.”

Eddie glanced over, catching Bobby’s eyes, and looked away quickly. Bobby didn’t seem to even shift, and before Eddie realized what he was doing, he was leaning forward, fists clenched against his sides. “I’m pissed off. I’m pissed off, and no one else is! Buck’s out there acting like he’s got no-fucking-body that cares what happens to him, like-“ He cut himself off, teeth grinding.

“Sounds to me like _you’re_ thinking about that moment in the train a lot.”

“You – you were pissed to,” Eddie accused. He was glaring at Bobby, and he shouldn’t, he knew it, but….

“Yeah.” Somehow Eddie hadn’t expected Bobby to agree so easily, so strongly. “I _was_ pissed. I still am – you weren’t here at the start of it, Eddie.” There was a tension in Bobby’s voice, a frisson of old fury. “You didn’t see Buck fall for that woman, try so hard to be someone worthy of a relationship of depth, and care so _much_ that he was coming to me for advice every week it felt like.

“You didn’t get to watch him wait for her to come back, to answer his texts and calls. You didn’t get to watch him lose hope.” Bobby went quiet, jaw working. “So yeah. I was pissed as hell to realize that Buck was putting himself in danger, again, because of a woman that had hurt him.”

“I – Bobby, I….”

Bobby shook his head and held up a hand, clearly taking a deep breath and calming himself down. “Eddie. It’s fine.” Pinning Eddie with a look, Bobby continued, “But I need _you_ to understand that I do get it.”

“Do you?” Eddie asked, quiet. He couldn’t meet Bobby’s gaze – couldn’t take the understanding to be found there.

“Buck’s your partner. And you two are close – closer than a lot of teammates I’ve seen over the years. You didn’t get to see the whole thing, but you were there at the end. You know it hurt him.”

“I thought he was over it – over her.” Eddie shook his head, jaw working. “I thought – whatever.” He exhaled sharply. “He won’t even admit that there’s anything wrong! He’s acting like we’re just supposed to ignore – after that night, after acting like it wouldn’t _devastate_ us if he got hurt, again!”

“I know,” Bobby said quietly. “Buck’s always been a risk taker. He’s always going to be, probably more than any of us, even if he does mellow out with time.” Bobby’s eyes were searching, both looking for and offering understanding. Eddie hated it. “We just need to be there, to try to catch him if he falls.”

Eddie bit his tongue. He wasn’t going to be the childish dickhead to say, ‘but what if he doesn’t want me there anymore?’ So he just nodded, still not looking at Bobby, feeling tangled up, knotted. The conversation was over – even if Bobby didn’t think so, Eddie sure did – so he got up to leave. Bobby called out to him as he grabbed the door handle though.

“Buck’s loyal. Incredibly so. That’s as much a fault as it is a strength. Don’t hold it against him, Eddie.”

He left Bobby’s office.

Three more days went by. Buck barely spoke to any of them. He didn’t come for movie night like he usually did on Friday, had hurried out of the station before anyone could talk. Eddie let him go, and ignored the looks Hen and Chim were giving him. Chim tried to put a hand on Eddie’s shoulder and he shrugged it off, biting his tongue against the snappish remark clambering up his throat. It wasn’t Chimney’s fault.

It was Eddie’s, for thinking maybe things would be fucking different for once.

He never was good enough to stick around for, and he knew it. Shannon hadn’t been the first. Buck wouldn’t be the last.

He just – needed to accept it, and stop fucking hoping. Stop letting people convince him there was anything to hope for anyway.

All night, with Chris was curled against his side and much quieter than usual while watching Treasure Planet, again, Eddie wondered about it. If there was no reason to hope, did it matter if he ever figured out what sexuality he may or may not be? He was sure that Karen and others would tell him it did still matter, that whether or not Buck was in the equation. Eddie owed it to himself, or something.

But Eddie wasn’t even sure if he should fucking bother with relationships anymore. And he wasn’t about to go exploring his sexuality with some damned stranger. No way. There was no way he could trust someone like that, not enough to enjoy himself and what was the point in casual sex if not enjoying one’s self?

He wasn’t even sure if he was into dudes, or just into Buck. So what did it matter?

Eddie slept like shit. Again. That night it was fucking nightmares about that moment the car had felt like it might tip, with Buck hanging from the outside. Or all the ways that damned rescue could have gone wrong. All the ways Buck could have _died_ , all for some –

So yeah. Eddie slept like shit. He felt like shit when the morning came, and even Chris coming to curl close and talk quietly about what he was looking forward to at science camp didn’t help.

Eddie was exhausted. From everything. He was exhausted from worrying about Buck lately, and from emotional turmoil, and from all the past weeks and weeks he’d spent trying to make an effort to be honest about what he was feeling and maybe why he was thinking certain things – if it was his thoughts or one’s he’d learned. Karen had been helping, talking shit through with him a few times, but he still felt so _fucking alone_ going through it all.

“Can we have pancakes?”

“Not today, Chris,” Eddie murmured, turning to tuck his nose into Chris’ curls. He closed his eyes, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “But hey,” he tried, forcing his voice to be more energetic, cheerful. “How about we go out to eat? That favorite diner Pepa takes us to sometimes, yeah?”

“But pancakes….”

“They have pancakes and waffles. I’ll even let you get the fruity pebbles ones.”

Chris was clearly thinking it over. He still sounded reluctant when he said, “I guess.”

Eddie gave him another kiss on the head and pulled back, giving him a smile. He made sure it was wide enough and happy enough that nothing would seem abnormal.

“Oh you guess huh? I mean, _I_ guess we could just have frosted flakes here at home….”

“No,” Chris said quickly, breaking into a grin. “No, Dad, I want the fruity pebbles waffles.”

“Alright then!” Eddie sat up, helping Chris over the side of the bed. “Go get dressed, we’ll get ready to head out.”

“Okay.” Chris picked up his crutches, heading for the door. “I love you, Dad.”

The smile on Eddie’s face may have been smaller, but it was more genuine. “I love you too kid.”

Eddie tried to stay upbeat while out with Chris. They went to the library after, for the Saturday event for kids – some stuffed animal ‘workshop’ that Eddie had had to register for ahead of time. He checked Chris in, but then Chris had seemed to be handling things well enough on his own. Eddie felt a bit restless. (He could feel some of the parents eyeing him, and he wasn't sure if it was because something about him screamed single dad, or if it was because he was one of the only dad's there, or if it was because of Chris' CP. He'd gotten it all, before, at other events. He was in no mood for it today.)

“You okay here if I go look at some books?”

Chris looked back at him, beaming, and nodded.

“Alright. If you finish and I’m not back, wait here for me, okay?”

“Okay Dad.” Chris wasn’t even looking at him, intent on jamming a red dragon full of stuffing. Eddie ruffled his hair and walked out of the noisy kid-filled program room.

The rest of the library was quieter, though not as quiet as Eddie always remembered libraries being when he was a kid. He wandered out of the kids area, knowing Chris would insist on going around looking for new books when the program was done anyway.

He walked past the reference desk. Even though he tried not to look that way, he felt like he was being watched. Eddie was sure he wasn’t, but he felt like it.

They had the catalog computers not too far off. Eddie leaned in close to one, back of his neck prickling, blood thrumming with adrenaline. Like he was about to do something he shouldn’t and was going to be caught. Like sneaking out to drink with friends.

What did he even search? He tried sexuality, and – was not exactly thrilled with the first page of results. He felt a sickening mix of anger and – not fear, but something like it. So many of the titles that showed up had to do with religion and overcoming sexuality for purity or - or something. Others focused on feminine sexuality which was - not what he was looking for.

Eddie exited out of the screen quickly. His hands felt like they were shaking, but they were steady.

He set off through the stacks, not in any specific direction, just to look like he had found whatever he might have been looking for. His hands were shoved in his pockets, his head down. This had been stupid, anyway. Eddie had decided he didn’t care, right? That it wasn’t worth the stress and upset?

He’d be fine, just having Buck as a friend. Having not really had Buck around lately, Eddie would fucking give anything just to have their friendship back. He didn’t _need_ more. He was fine without it.

Eddie slowed, leaning against the edge of an aisle and let out a breath, closing his eyes. He probably shouldn’t beat himself up about it. He’d spent so many of the past weeks thinking about it, almost all the time in some way or form, so of course it would be hard to just – let it go. It wasn’t like he was doing anything wrong, wondering, it just wasn’t important to figure out anymore.

He felt kind of sick.

After a few minutes bringing himself under control, Eddie started back through the stacks. He looped around, just to avoid passing anyone who had seen him maybe having a freak out earlier. It brought him back towards the front of the library – and he slowed.

The rainbow colors were kind of hard to miss. He had been focused on Chris earlier, trying to yank Eddie along straight of the children’s area before the large family behind them, so somehow Eddie hadn't seen it, but now….

There was a display of books and other things on one of those tables with the shelves on the sides as well as a tiered top. There was a banner over it, announcing June was PRIDE month. It was only a week away, Eddie realized.

Hesitantly, he edged closer. There was – a lot there. Some looked very serious, others silly, and some were clearly just fiction stories. Eddie glanced around, but no one was looking his way. And why would they, he asked himself. He wasn’t anyone to any of these people here, and they all had other things to occupy them.

He turned back. Picked up a few books, reading the backs or inside flaps. He stuck to the ones that looked more like nonfiction, even started flipping through the pages of one before carefully putting it back down.

There were picture books, too. Books clearly meant for kids, stories that didn’t seem particularly related to different sexualities or anything. Eddie picked one up; it looked to talk about different types of families kids might find themselves in. Fuck, he could have used that when Shannon first left and Chris started school, where people _asked_ about why he ‘didn’t have a mom’.

Before Eddie really thought about it, he slipped it and a few others under his arms. One had a girl dressed as a penguin on a crowd of them on the front, and he figured since Chris was still interested in maybe being a world-wide wildlife vet, he might like the penguins. Another had a family of penguins and one of those golden award stickers.

Glancing around once more – like he as some kind of shoplifter trying not to get caught, he couldn’t help but think bitterly – Eddie headed back for the program room.

Chris was sitting where he’d left him, though now his dragon was all plump and he had the little certificate bag next to him on the table. Eddie ruffled his hair, smiling and complimenting how well done the dragon looked.

“He got a name?” Eddie asked as they headed towards the kids shelves.

“Mmm, no. I can’t decide.”

“Well, no rush,” Eddie chuckled. “C’mon. I found a few books, looked pretty cool.”

“Penguins!” Chris said, grinning wide. “There’s lots of kinds of penguins, did you know that? And, and, _and_! The _daddy_ penguins take care of the babies!” He beamed up at Eddie. “Like us!”

Eddie swallowed, fixing his smile in place. “Yeah, buddy. Sure does sound like you and me.”

Chris patted his arm, still smiling. “Penguins are super cool. But I think we’re cooler.”

Eddie huffed a laugh. Thankfully, Chris turned back to the shelve, so Eddie had a few moments to drag himself back under fucking control. Again.

He had _not_ expected the library to be so emotionally draining when he’d brought Chris earlier.

They grabbed the next _Wayside School_ book, since they’d returned the first one earlier. It had been their nightly story for around the past month. The chapters were short, the story simple, and it was funny enough even Eddie had to take a moment to laugh while reading sometimes. It was probably not too hard for Chris to try reading on his own, but neither of them seemed eager to give up their bedtime reading ritual.

Eddie carried the stack of books – including the few he’d grabbed, which Chris had seemed particularly insistent on definitely getting, even though Eddie had said they didn’t have to – while Chris held his still unnamed dragon under one arm.

The rest of the day was mostly the two of them running errands making sure Chris would have anything he might need for camp. It wasn’t for another two weeks, but Eddie didn’t want to waste any time. Plus, it was… good, to see Chris so excited. It made Eddie feel better about letting him go.

It would be good for Chris. Eddie couldn’t keep him close forever. He knew that. But hell, it felt like Chris was growing faster than Eddie could blink.

They ordered pizza that night. Chris was sitting in the living room with his dragon, carefully reading the picture books they’d chosen to himself. Eddie could hear him mumbling the words, usually inaudible unless he was sounding them out. It was a familiar, comforting routine, and it would be easy for Eddie’s thoughts to wander, if he let them.

He didn’t. He focused on mentally running through the bills that were due in the next few weeks, compiling a grocery list for next week, anything but letting his thoughts wander.

Chris insisted on two chapters of the next _Wayside_ book. Eddie wasn’t inclined to deny him. But Chris was yawning after the second one, even as he tried to ask for three.

“Kid, I think you’ll fall asleep before I finish it. It can wait until tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Chris agreed. He could barely keep his eyes open. Eddie helped him settle into bed, kissing his forehead and wishing him a good night. He headed for the living room, straightening up. He found the bag that came with the dragon from the library half shoved under the couch and tugged it out. He pulled out the little birth certificate – cute – and set it aside, and instead carefully put the library books in there. Kind of a tight fit, but it worked.

He dropped them off in Chris’ room, with the birth certificate going on his dressed. Chris was already snoring, dragon fallen to the floor. Eddie picked it up and put it back next to his pillow, on the side near the wall.

Eddie almost jumped out of his fucking skin when he walked into the hall and heard the front door open.

He stilled, listening as it shut and someone kicked shoes off.

There was really only one person it could be, he thought.

Sure enough… Buck stood a few steps from the doorway, shoulders up near his ears and looking like some kind of guilty, kicked puppy.

His eyes were red and swollen.

Eddie swallowed down the anger that spiked.

“Hey," Buck offered.

Sighing, Eddie tilted his head towards the kitchen. Buck followed.

They settled at the table, Buck with a plate of heated pizza in front of him, both of them with beers. Buck was just picking at his plate, peeling off an olive and then dropping it back.

“You gonna talk?” Eddie asked. He winced internally; it had come out more biting, hurt and sulky, than he had meant for it to.

Buck glanced up at him. “I deserve that,” he mumbled. “Eddie-“

“No.” Eddie sighed, dragging his hand over his head. “No, you didn’t deserve that. Sorry.”

Buck didn’t smile. He didn’t argue.

He looked tired, and drained, and empty again.

Eddie fucking _hated_ Abby. Because he was sure the way Buck looked now had everything to do with her.

“I’ve been a jerk,” Buck said quietly. “You don’t have to pretend. I’m sorry,” he said, voice almost breaking. “I just – everything…. It was a lot, and I….”

Eddie shrugged, unable to meet Buck’s eyes. He took a sip of his beer, and offered, “You had a lot on your mind. I get it.”

Buck sighed, shoulders slumping. He looked hurt, and Eddie felt lost. How had that made things worse? Buck spent another minute picking at his pizza, not eating it, before he said, voice low and aching, “I met up with Abby today.”

Eddie focused on him, setting the beer aside. Buck wasn’t looking at him, and his hands were still. He was swallowing, Eddie could see it, and Buck’s voice still cracked when he spoke.

“She said Sam was doing okay. She – apologized.” His mouth twisted. “For me finding out like that. Not for – for how she just ghosted me. She wouldn’t even tell me when she realized she was never coming back – told me she thought she would but….” He looked up, right at Eddie. His eyes were bright, and red again. “She was lying.”

“Buck,” Eddie breathed, but Buck was on a roll now, it seemed. He kept going.

“I – I told her I was glad she was happy, and I _am_ ,” he said. “But I’m – I thought I was over that. I thought I was over how she just left me _waiting_ for her to come back, and then she was there, moved on and – Eddie it _hurt_.”

Eddie’s throat ached. He swallowed, but it didn’t help. “I know Buck. I know it did.”

“She wasn’t even – she didn’t apologize for that, Eddie. She told me she couldn’t come back because she, she was afraid she’d become the same person if she did. Someone who took care of everyone else. That being with me would make her that again. Like, fuck, what was I then? Just another problem she had to deal with? Another person she thought she had to fix or save or…. What was I doing wrong that-“

“Nothing,” Eddie interrupted, vicious. “Buck, you did _nothing_ wrong.”

“You can’t know-“

“I can know,” Eddie snapped. “I can know, because I _have_ been the one doing the wrong thing. Shannon and I _both_ were, alright, and I know you. You-“

“You didn’t know me then, and I’ve done the wrong thing-“

Eddie shoved his seat back, coming over and crouching next to Buck. He grabbed Buck’s face in his hands, not thinking, and said, “You deserved so much more than she gave you, querido. You deserved a proper breakup from her. You deserved her honesty, and her giving you all the fucking love you gave to her. You deserved that same loyalty. And you _fucking well_ deserved an _apology_ for her shitty behavior. Whether or not she meant to come back, she didn’t, and she should have had the fucking balls to tell you that instead of leaving you waiting.”

He swiped his thumbs under Buck’s eyes, clearing away the wetness.

“You deserve better than that, Buck. Believe me.”

Their faces were close. Eddie could feel Buck’s breath against his, and he couldn’t help his eyes dropping to watch as Buck licked his lips.

…fuck.

Eddie was frozen. He wanted to lean forward. He wanted to taste Buck’s mouth, the salt from his tears and whatever was beyond that. He _wanted_ so much it was terrifying _and_ electrifying, like the moment before a roller-coaster dropped.

But this was – this was the wrong moment. He knew that. He _knew_ that, and he almost didn’t care. Except….

He meant what he’d said to Buck. Buck deserved better than what Abby had given him – and he deserved better than a kiss in that moment, a kiss when Eddie was still trying to figure his shit out, when Buck was clearly emotionally vulnerable after Abby devastated him one last time.

“Eddie….”

Eddie swallowed, dragging his eyes up to Buck’s.

Slowly, Eddie leaned back on his heels, putting a bit more space between them. Buck’s eyelashes fluttered, drifting almost shut a few times before he blinked, slowly.

“When’d you last eat?” Eddie asked, voice coming out rough and low.

Buck grimaced, which was answer enough. Eddie dropped his hands from Buck’s face, one resting on his shoulder, thumb rubbing absently along his collarbone. The other tugged the plate of pizza closer.

“Eat that. Please.”

It took a moment, of Eddie staring at him and Buck watching back.

But Buck did nod, turning to the pizza. He took a few bites. Eddie got up, squeezing his shoulder once before rising fully. He went to the sink, wetting a dish cloth and squeezing until it was just damp and cool. He leaned a hip against the table as he handed it to Buck, who gave him a slight smile. Or maybe a grimace. Hard to tell.

Eddie took it back when Buck held it out. He tossed it into the sink – nailed it – and kept his focus on Buck.

Who was fidgeting. Just a bit. Not looking at Eddie.

Eddie narrowed his eyes.

“I know – I don’t really have the right to ask, but –“

“Why wouldn’t you have the right to ask me something?” Eddie interrupted. He was quiet, but resolute, and he wanted to make it clear to Buck.

Buck glanced at him, finally, just from the corner of his eye. Whatever he saw made him give Eddie a wry kind of smile, but the tension left Buck’s shoulders. Eddie considered it a win.

“I really don’t want to go back to my place,” Buck said, eyes ducking away again. “I – I don’t want to feel as alone as I have been.”

“Bed’s big enough for two, if you want. Or the couch is always yours.”

Buck breathed what might have been a laugh through his nose. “If you mean it… can I just – with you?”

“Yeah,” Eddie said, throat tight. He felt like his skin was buzzing. “Anytime.”

Buck glanced at him. Eddie wasn’t sure what he was seeing in Buck's gaze. Something serious. Something deep – knowing.

Eddie had been kidding himself, the past few days, hadn’t he?

No one had been imagining anything.

“Anytime, huh?” Buck smiled, slow. It was that stupidly sweet, shy one he got, and he was directing it at Eddie and – it was a lot. Fucking hell, it was a lot, and Eddie had to remind himself there was a reason he’d pulled back earlier. A very good one.

Buck deserved so much better than Eddie. Especially while Eddie was a fucking mess like he was at the moment.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Buck added, before turning back to his pizza. But he reached out, grabbing blindly at Eddie’s hand and squeezing. Eddie squeezed back, helpless.

He wanted to say something that was too big and too soon, and it was fucking terrifying. He breathed through it, shuttled it all to the back of his mind, deep inside of himself. Not now, not yet.

It was too much.

Eddie couldn’t chance ruining this. Not like he had before.

He _had_ to get this right.


End file.
